Evil Turd Floats

Monday is movies. Or sometimes TV. Today, a review of the new horror film that everyone is loving. But I'm not. I think it's an old-fashioned piece of actual shit. So. There.

I was so excited to see Evil Dead Rise. It’s the latest in the Evil Dead franchise which started back in 1981, with the release of the (1979-shot) original film, and then flowed through the 1987 (Evil Dead II) and 1992 (Army of Darkness) films, before being rebooted by an indirect sequel in 2013 (Evil Dead) and more direct 2015-2019 TV series (Ash vs. The Evil Dead).

Over the last couple of years I’ve rewatched every entry in the franchise, and completed a full watch of the TV show – which is silly, but fun. In fact that’s a hallmark of most of the franchise. It has thrills, gore, scares, great effects (for its time) and wonderful camera work – lots of low-budget innovations – but it’s so funny most often.

The Evil Dead Rise had a wonderful trailer which hooked me, sold me.

And because I couldn’t get it over the line as a “Family Movie Night” vibe, I had to wait a week or so to get to it on my own.

What a startling disappointment it ended up being.

Neither funny, nor scary, all it has going for it is gore.

It’s giant big middle of a film with no arc, no beginning, no end, no throughline linking it to the original films, and no stunning new direction to let it standalone. It clings to the concept of the films it is named after (essentially demon possession) but it does nothing with it, never explains it, and has nothing going for it but an attempt at a surging relentlessness – and that’s not a recommendation.

Director Lee Cronin knows the material well, is clearly a fan of the franchise, indebted to it, and with his debut full-length film, The Hole In The Ground, he definitely impressed.

Playing estranged sisters Beth and Ellie, Lily Sullivan and Alyssa Sutherland are both great. Sure. There’s obviously a huge Bruce Campbell-sized hole, but he announced his formal retirement (and is connected to the new film as both producer and foley artist) so I’m not about to condemn the film for what it not only can’t be but isn’t ever trying to be.

That said, I felt like I was watching the world’s longest Tool video.

And yet, advance hype, and post reviews are utter raves. Best Horror of the Year, say many. Exciting new reboot, it’s claimed.

But Evil Dead Rise does absolutely nothing. Cronin manages a few shaky camera moves and fast-tracking shots and some of the staples, but none of it goes anywhere nor means anything.

I wondered if the hype was from Kiwi viewers and reviewers. We are notoriously an embarrassing lot when it comes to big-upping things made in our own backyard (Evil Dead Rise was shot here and features a young Kiwi actor in one of the lead roles; Ash Vs. Evil Dead was also shot here).

But on Metacritic, everyone from the New York Times to Variety and Empire, through Time Out, Total Film, AV Club, Collider, NME, RogerEbert.Com, LA Times and The New York Post ranks it 70% or higher, a few ecstatic 90-100% raves too.

I had to scroll deep to see just a couple of reputable-enough publications dipping under the 50% mark.

Horror has had a great couple of years in the mainstream, last year in particular I would say – so many bangers which delivered thrills and frights (and laughs) and box-office gold (X, Scream 5, Pearl, The Black Phone, Barbarian, Smile, The Menu…etc). And though I was sceptical that Scream VI could hold on and build on the magic of last year’s franchise-reboot, on reflection it may even be the better film. It’s certainly doing what it should on the tin. And is so far my vote for horror movie of 2023, just by default.

All Evil Dead Rise is doing, is making video-game content for movie fans, setting up a new run of films that has none of the humanity or humour of the originals.

This was particularly gutting for me (pardon any obvious horror pun, or maybe deep down I meant that) because the original Evil Dead films are right up there with the A Nightmare On Elm Street franchise as some of the most fun you can have watching horror. I link the two franchises also because they’re both supremely stupid, and know it, and yet that never stopped them from going for it full-bore.

But all Evil Dead Rise is in the end is full gore. And we can get that anywhere these days. Including the TV news if we still bother to tune in for that depressing spectacle.

I felt ripped off and wounded.

But more to the point, I’m astoundingly baffled by the love this film is generating.

As a reviewer of gigs for many years, and albums too, I’m no stranger to feeling like the only one in the room that didn’t get it, or refused to accept it.

But it hasn’t happened with a film for a while.