The Mate of the Nation

Wednesday is about reading and writing. Today, a summary of the Mate of the Nation’s speech that’s gonna get this pack of useless country back on the fucking track. Brought to you by delicious ciggies

The Mate of the Nation thanks all Kiwis who voted for us, but even if you weren’t one of them, his team has your back eh. Cos his Minister of Finance is gonna get things working for all Kiwis eh. And in a heartfelt goodbye to a former Finance Minister this week, The Mate of the Nation said, “yeah look, thing is, he had a go eh — I don’t respect his go at all actually, but I do respect him having a go. He pitched in. He got it MASSIVELY wrong, but he pitched in”.

The Mate of the Nation paused. Had a giant cigarette. The Health Minister, Dr Cigaretti, had told him that if he sucked back really hard he’d hit the Vitamin C spike. He then let out a heartfelt “I love you” to the Best Mate of the Mate of the Nation. But she was busy doing 800 chin-ups, so no one knows if she heard him or not. It sounded like he was about to sing that beautiful New Zealand love song, Ten Guitars. But The Mate of the Nation’s party ain’t a gee-tar party. They done sold all ten guitars, so they could buy 25 lighters for their dresser, yessir! You know the Mate of the Nation’s gotsta get paid!

The Mate of the Nation ain’t offering any free rides, yo! There’s too much cleanup from that last lot. The previous people have made it very hard for the Mate of the Nation. The Mate of the Nation is just not gonna put up with financial mismanagement anymore eh, that’s why the Mate wants to start scrapping heaps of things — too much wasteful spending, so Mate reckons if he gets rid of heaps of jobs it won’t even have any impact on unemployment; it’ll just mean more people will get heaps fitter, cos they’ll have more time to suck harder on the ciggies and get to that Vitamin C spike. It’s gonna be a happy, healthier nation, with a mojo back all up in its crack. Cos the mojo went away apparently. But Mate says he’ll make that mojo come crawling on back. That’s indeed what ol’ Mate of Nation says.

The Mate of the Nation is not waiting 16 years, he’s not even waiting 16 months, he’s obsessed with making things better in the next 16 weeks, blood. See, Mate’s already done heaps of shit in 81 days. Like, he gave farmers and tradies relief because they were getting almost all of the shit, those people with actual jobs. They had it the very toughest of anyone. He also made it easier for people to go faster on roads, bro. Which is super-choice and good-as for hooning heaps! Because hard-workers drive fast, because they need to. And if you can’t get your Pseudoephedrine in the pharmacy just yet — but soon, so soon! - for now at least you can get a little “Pseudoephedrine” on those highways. And by the way, The Mate of the Nation bloody well cancelled Let’s Get Wellington Moving, because, frankly, Wellington wasn’t moving. [Pause for laughter. Waiting, waiting, no!] Mate said that, with a complete straight face, about a broken city sitting on a fault line. Wellington not moving is actually what everyone wants. Everyone apart from Ol’ Mate of Nation.

The Mate of the Nation knows not everyone is going to love what he says, even though he is everyone’s mate — even anyone that did not vote for him, and wouldn’t ever. But that’s all good cuz, see Mate knows that what this country needs is a Prime Minster that will level with them eh. Level-as. Level-af. Too many Kiwis have had it tough — but Mate says farmers and businesses got laughed at like fucking clowns, and that’s not cool. Farmers and businesses are not even the clowns. They are heroes. They don’t wear capes. But capes are crap anyway. There was a cape referendum to make a new cape and no one even wanted it. And it only cost half a Government Agency Reform. So Mate remembers that. And is not into capes as a result.

Mate threw out statistics so shaky they could have only come from a city sitting on a fault line, but Mate said it didn’t really matter because Mate was gonna fix it. He was gonna fix it all. And he had another big hit of the Vitamin C. To help him fix everything. And reminded people, that in this great country that we call home, we all wanted the same things. Even the people that never voted for him, and wouldn’t ever. And same for those that wouldn’t want to ever vote for the deputies that travel alongside him in the clown-car.

Mate said in 81 days he had only had time for 40 delicious cigarettes, because he was working hard. But when he wasn’t working hard, he was definitely sucking hard. On the ciggies, that is. You know, to get to the Vitamin C.

The Mate of the Nation says that next year the basics will be taught really brilliantly to our kids. With a full hour of maths, and a full hour of writing too, Mate believes the kids will soon be tossing out statistics like they’re nobody’s actual business. And writing good-as sentences like about how the basics will be taught really brilliantly now finally and for also the first time so there.

Mate hates gangs though eh. So he gave them a good threatening. Told the gangs all good and proper that he’d be coming after them. Just for being in a gang. Mate is getting his gang together to go after gangs. And he’s starting at the right place. Telling the gangs off during his Mate of the Nation Evaluation on the TV Station! Because Mate knows better than you or I that the gangs are absolutely fucking glued to TV mate. They love it. Heck, that’s pretty much all they do. Apart from terrifying gang shit. They mostly just get in a big circle and watch whatever is on the TV. So they’ll be feeling a bit sore this week from that big slap across the face they all just got from Mate.

The Mate of the Nation got rid of them three waters too, reckons we only need one water. Because the Mate of the Nation says one water is all that you need when you believe so heavily on trickle-down. Three is just being greedy, whereas one good one is all that’s needed for the good, honest, hardworking Kiwis.

The Mate of the Nation said at the end that he wanted to be really up front with everyone. Mate says if you want to have your hand out that’s fine, but your other hand may get a slap — unless of course you’re using that other hand to thumb a ride out to look for work. Then that’s good. And well done. You’re a good Kiwi. But if you’re using that other hand to try to cook the cheapest, best meal possible for your family, well hold on tight to that spoon eh, cos Mate might slap it from your paw, you poor!

The Mate of the Nation said he hated the fact that New Zealand was going backwards. And now he was in the car’s driving seat, he was gonna pull a huge as fuck U-turn, which wouldn’t necessarily turn the car around the right way if he was doing it in reverse, but anyway he would definitely be doing it quickly and across many roads. Cos he was building many roads, and lifting up heaps of speed limits. And yeah, rock on New Zealand. It’s time to get back to work again, for the first time, but again. Like always, but not like before.

The Mate of the Nation was live from Auckland. Where he lives. In Auckland.