The Master of Mergers & Acquisitions

Wednesday is about books and reading. Or writing. Today, a new short story...

The Master of Mergers & Acquisitions was also a skilled negotiator. How skilled you ask? Well, he was able to take twice as long as he needed. You see, he’d just successfully merged two people from the same end of the political spectrum with wild views of each other. And, bonus, he’d acquired their policies!

Not because they had him over a barrel, no sir. He had wanted to bring back smoking in a big way. It just made sense. Fiscal sense is the best sense. Commonsense is just, urgh, common. And someone very quickly reckoned that stopping smoking wasn’t just saving future generations, it was also saving around about a billion dollars as it lifted a vice-grip from the throat of the health system.

But what this idiot hadn’t factored in, what only the Master of Mergers & Acquisitions knew, is that saving a billion bucks and relieving pressure on the health system, as well as clearing more than just metaphorical air, was not going to stop the ram-raiders! You see, ram-raiders are so mad that they might one day not be able to buy cigarettes from dairies so that they can kill themselves, they are being proactive and are out there actually smashing up shops that currently still sell cigarettes in the hope that they will still be able to sell cigarettes. It’s all just a protest movement.

And protest is a valid form of freedom of speech. And the previous government tried to restrict a bunch of freedoms. And The Master of Mergers & Acquisitions doesn’t like to be compared to that previous lot. They have ruined everything after all.

The Master of Mergers & Acquisitions is also not keen on that pesky official language of the country - so that’s going back to where it once belonged.

The Master of Mergers & Acquisitions can’t say why exactly. (And certainly not in more than one language). But what he will say is that he wants more people speaking Te Reo, and a really clever way to do that is stripping it from the titles of government agencies and making it generally less prominent. This will enable the people that really want to speak the language to just go about it as part of their personal freedom. And spending money repealing as many things as possible before Christmas is smart. It just makes fiscal sense, mate. He’s not going to go into all of that exactly, but what he can say is that he said so. And so, also, what he can say is so there. And that’s pretty good mate.

It just makes sense.

The Master of Mergers & Acquisitions has merged his own love of being a landlord with the acquisition of having the keys to John Key’s Kingdom. And so, that’s a relief! For landlords!

The Master of Mergers & Acquisitions is a little bit insulted that people kept harping on about how long it was taking to create a unique situation where two deputy leaders could shake hands on a job-share. It had to take a while, because if they’d rushed it, there was a very slight possibility that the people that voted for him, or for them, might revert to their natural default setting and see this as patently absurd. You know, like they would have if that other “woke” bunch had ever tried something so stupid.

Fairplay, mate. This is just a fairplay award for two new mates who only want a turn holding the spare set of car keys. And that’s cool-as to this chilled-out entertainer type. Daddy-o can roll with that. It’s all about those merging skills he was acquiring when he merged with what he heard was likely an acquisition, right?

But fair pay? No, he’ll tell you that what is fair is being able to fire someone when you’re good and ready. Hey, you’re always good. And generally ready. And it does a man good to feel important like that. So you see that’s why it took a few weeks. It was all about fiscal responsibility - which is why flights and hotels were booked and rebooked and added on and talks merged with more talks, and bills for being in conference rooms in Auckland hotels were acquired because one thing the Master of Mergers & Acquisitions does know is that he has merged being the Prime Minister of Auckland with the acquisition of the rest of the New Zealand.

But he’s not actually going to go into all that.

Though what he can say is “Merry fucking Christmas cunts. You lot work for me now!”

STUFF

Postscript: 
I know you use Dall-E and the like for creating AI images, but as a joke I asked ChatGPT to draw me a picture of Chris Luxon holding an uzi. 

How about this reply: I'm afraid my artistic skills are limited to words. How about I describe the scene instead? Picture this:Christopher Luxon, dressed in a sharp suit, confidently holding a flamethrower with a determined expression. Flames dance at the nozzle, creating a fiery spectacle. The background could be a mix of political symbols and corporate logos, capturing the essence of his role in both realms. What do you think?