The Autism Diaries?! (Part 15)
A new occasional series here at “Sounds Good“
There’s that scene in the movie Sexy Beast where they ask the psychopath Don Logan (the character played by Ben Kingsley) if he’d like a tour of the house. And he says “I’ll see it when I take a piss”. I always found that really funny, you’re supposed to find it funny. Don is outrageous. And you’re meant to laugh. At his audacity. His awkwardness. His cruelty. But two things can be true at once — sometimes, anyway. So as much as this is funny, I felt totally seen. I hate tours of houses. Who cares? It’s just the box you chose to live in, or if you must, the one that chose you; the one you could afford, or are struggling to afford, or the one you can’t afford to leave. Either way, it’s where you are, and I came to see you, not your house. If your personality is splashed around your place in such a way that you want me to see it, I will notice it and do not need you to point the features to me. When I do — reluctantly — take the tour of your house, instead of just helping myself (“when I take a piss”) I will look at the books on your shelves, rather than the nook you had added or the extension to the kitchen. I will search for CDs or DVDs or records, and even in these days where someone might have their whole collection in storage, or have given it away but still be passionate about such things just in different ways, I would rather see some physical evidence than be shown the view, or the veggie patch, or any other fucking gardens. If we are going away somewhere, staying in a hotel or an Airbnb, Katy will say with excitement, “you have to see it”, so that we can visualise it, get excited about something in the distance, have an image to enjoy. I’ll always say that I’ll see it when I get there. And this is to her absolute frustration. I never say this, but I’m always thinking it, and she of course knows it: I’m thinking, every time I’m confronted with pictures of an aspirational Open Home or a lovely hotel that has just been booked, or the photos a friend just sent through because they bought a house, I’m only ever thinking, “l’ll see it when I take a piss!”
