Short Story: In New Zealand More People Die From Potholes Than Cancer

A short story taken from deep inside the country’s top office. Just the facts.

The very smart people in the big jobs that make the decisions have done their own studies, because sometimes the experts have an agenda. And an academic study is mostly just showing off eh. You get better tips at the BBQ, and besides that, and maybe more importantly, you want to be invited back. Amanda makes a mean salad, and struts in gripping the big bowl tight. But you can’t rely on that as the sole reason you’ll get the regular nod. I mean, sure, there are the stories about running the airline. Brilliant. Seamless. Took an olive out of every salad — and saved a million bucks. Amanda took all the spuds out of the potato salad…but I already told you she makes a mean salad!

Anyway, the crew at the top table totally know that cancer’s bad. But it’s not so bad that we can’t still have ciggies. Ciggies look totally cool, and if you suck back hard enough on them, there’s a pure hit of vitamin C. And that’s an actual fact. Paid for by sponsors from the Herne Bay Yacht Club. So it must be true. And also the plumage of a cigarette is just a lot tidier than that of the renter’s delight: A vape cloud from a vape pen. Who uses a pen these days anyway? Swords are just the mightiest.

We are slashing through staff that are just there to eat their lunch. We’re making tough cuts because we absolutely have to. And because we like a bit of tax relief on the side. Tax relief is like a spiritual glory-hole for the landlords. A big old fiscal cliff can be driven right across if you’re seen Steve at the tyre shop with your Remeura Tractor. He’ll juice you up!

And speaking of big cliffs, the state of the bloody roads. Mate, they’re downright malignant. You should see the way those wheels burn through the soft tissue of asphalt like a silent, deadly killer. Way worse than cancer. And also, it really devalues your car. 

So we’re taking the tough approach. It’s fair. And right. And it’s for the right-minded, and hard working Kiwis. The Maori. And Non-Maori. (But mostly the Non ones eh). Because that extra language trick is just getting a bit sneaky. So we’re cutting through all the tape that doesn’t need to be there. Including surgical tape. Because there’s now no need for that. We are halving the numbers at hospitals. Because if people get cancer and die, that’s one more person saved a long hospital wait. And it’s one more person saved from these terrible roads. Have you seen the potholes mate? They could die instantly on those. Amanda says they’re really nasty. One time she stepped in one. Nearly dropped her whole salad!