Say Less
Wednesday is about books and writing, well today is a bit of satire or silliness. We cross to an interview, midway through…
“…and, well, really, I guess what you’re asking me is whether I’m equipped for the job, and I would say to you that it’s less a case of that and more a case of the last person not being as equipped as me, right?”
“Um, sure. Okay. Aaannd…a weakness?
“I’m a workaholic. So, sue me. I mean, don’t. Actually, don’t. I’ll win. I always win. I’ve successfully defended myself dozens of times. I was telling my fiancée this just recently and we both agreed it was embarrassing. Well, we both said it was embarrassing”.
“This is a high-pressure role, that requires huge outputs, strong decision-making, and empathy. How do you feel about all of that?”
“Well, I’d just say to you, was it Meat Loaf that said, ‘two out of three ain’t bad’…”
“It was Jim Steinman actually”.
“Right, well Jim Steinman said it, but Meat Loaf sang it, and I think that’s the key point here. And as someone who will be singing for my supper, I think it’s apt to quote Meat Loaf. Because the proof isn’t in the pudding, it’s in the fact that the pudding gets eaten. So. There”.
“Can you tell us about a time when you had to take accountability for your mistakes at your work?”
“No”.
“What do you think of the people that have performed this role before you?
“I never think of the people that have performed this role before me. I’ve already been told I’m successful. Many times. In general. So, I mean I’m excited about this opportunity even as I presume it comes with some sort of pay cut?”
“Well let’s talk about remuneration. What are you expecting for a role like this?”
“Well, I imagine I’d ask you to think of a number, and then double it, and then add a little bit more again given my obvious charm and X-factor, and the fact that I’ve already told you how good I am at winning legal cases when people try to sue me”.
“Okay, moving on from that then, are there any questions you have about the actual work?”
“Are there any questions I have about the job? Let’s see. You are interviewing for the position — and you want me to come up with the questions? You see that’s the problem entirely isn’t it. You haven’t done your homework. You need to be asking the questions. What are you, some wounded puppy? The final bit of the joint being passed about on a hairclip? I’m not about to become some shrinking violet all of a sudden. Do I have to truly hammer this point? The tap is on, the water is flowing strong but I’m still being asked to deal with some drips I see. Let me be the one to tell you that a divided house makes a happy home. Well, actually that was James Snyder who said that, in his book, A Divided House Makes A Happy Home. Look, I’ve told you my strengths, my expectations, my ability is obvious, my track-record speaks for itself, but just in case you didn’t have the sound up when I sent through the video of my track-record, I’ve also spoken for it, at length, already. So, I guess, all that’s really left to ask at the end is, I really hope I’ve passed the audition?”
“It really has been interesting getting to know you, and we will likely get back to you very quickly. Possibly by the time you make it to your car…”
“Really? That quickly, I actually parked on the steps just outside…”
“Well, at any rate, we will be in touch. And if you’re unsuccessful here, we do imagine you will try your luck again.”
