Notes From Various TED Talks

Sounds Good!

I’ve yet to give a TEDTalk, I’ve watched a few of them - and here are my notes for the TED Talks I might one day like to give…

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They asked Ted Bundy, after he was caught, why he was able to strangle and murder so many people – 17 women at that point, or something. His answer: There are so many people… My question: Who is ‘They’? Ted Bundy died in 1989. He is listed on Wikipedia as an “American serial killer, kidnapper, rapist, burglar and necrophile” – just as, say, Lenny Henry gets the Wiki treatment of being dubbed “a British stand-up comedian, actor, singer, writer, and television presenter.  You can click on hyperlinked-text to find out more about the roles of serial killer, kidnapper, rapist, burglar and necrophile. Wikipedia assumes you don’t need to know anything else about the roles of actor, singer, writer, television presenter – nor British stand-up comedian. There are no further links. The pro-wrestler King Kong Bundy was named after King Kong and Ted Bundy. His aim was to be seen as being as scary as both, a dreaded combination.  The pro-wrestler King Kong Bundy is still alive. (This surprised me). He turned 60.  Just yesterday (but only if you’re reading this today). Ted Bundy was regarded as handsome and charismatic according to his victims. I’m not sure how we know this. We can’t quite take their word for it. I’m sure he did. Sometimes Ted Bundy kept parts of a victim for months. Fucking bits and pieces over and again, or just leaving the decapitated head in a room. Turning a light on, opening a cupboard, taking some joy from seeing it there. From knowing it belonged – now – to him. Other times he would sneak in to a room and just bludgeon someone – in the dark. Smash their skull and leave. Ted Bundy referred to himself as “the most cold-hearted son of a bitch you’ll ever meet”. I never got to meet him. But I believed him. In 1989 Ted Bundy died. He was executed. The electric chair was his final resting place. In 1989 my favourite song was Electric Chair by Prince.


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I first knew Ted Danson from Cheers. He played a guy called Sam Malone. But he could have been named Ted Danson. Ted Danson had been in a load of TV before Cheers - rubbish soaps and sitcoms, a walk-on here, a bit part there. But he was in Taxi…  it was right near the end. That show ended, then Cheers took over. He was also in Benson and Magnum P.I. (I wonder if I knew that at the time?) Ted Danson has been able to appear – and reappear and almost always as Ted Danson… Sure, he was Ted Danson in that Three Grown Men Acting as Babies franchise, and Ted Danson in Becker, CSI, Fargo, The Good Place – if they aren’t good shows they are good roles, or vice versa. Apart from Cheers I most like Ted Danson as a pot-smoking, worrying eccentric in Bored to Death, and as, well, Ted Danson in Curb Your Enthusiasm. But I was also intrigued by Ted Danson in Whoopi Goldberg’s life. And her in his, I guess. And did you know Ted Danson is an environmentalist? He wrote a fucking book about the ocean, yo! I have never seen Becker. Is it any good? It must be okay… It’s got Ted Danson. I re-watched a bunch of the early episodes of Cheers a few years ago. (I used to watch it when I was a kid, sometimes I got it, sometimes I did not, I usually laughed anyway). The scenes between Sam and Dianne – the scenes between Ted Danson and Shelley Long – were electric. She was amazing. She helped Ted Danson along a lot. I wonder if he ever acknowledged or even knew that?  You book Ted Danson – that’s what you get. Ted Danson was a big part of the 1980s for me. I told my wife, just recently, that when I next do a DJ set of 1980s material I’m going to bill myself as DJ Ted Dancin’. She stared at me, the way Diane often looked at Sam.  But only in the later episodes.


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Ted Turner’s got a nice little earner – it’s a multi-billion-dollar empire that includes – or has included – stakes in cable news, cartoons, classic movies and – therefore of course – professional wrestling. Ted Turner’s father killed himself. Turner Outdoor Advertising was the start of the big-ticket empire.
It had been Ted’s dad’s gig – Ted took it over when his dad went under. From there Ted started into broadcasting, acquiring radio stations and then a jump to TV – cable news, old movies and then the wrasslin’ business…Ted Turner was married to Jane Fonda. They probably never looked it but they are pretty much the same age – in fact he’s actually a bit younger (a tiny bit). There were two wives before Jane but it’s for Jane he pines. I know this because I heard a guy talking live on stage, a clever guy, he’d written books about Google and about tech and media and celebrities. He was interviewing Turner – this was one of his stories from that time I heard him on stage (his name is Ken Auletta by the way) – and he said that as the interview progressed, visiting with Turner over several days, he noticed that Ted’s grooming hit a slump. He stopped caring about his appearance. He had stubble, and the moustache was too bushy. His hair hadn’t seen a comb – and so on… Then one day, day 5 or 7 or 9 or whatever…Ted was in his finest suit. His teeth had been whitened. His hair cut and combed, his moustache perfectly trimmed – well, it was still ‘a moustache’ so not quite perfect – and you get the gist… Ken Auletta says, “Ted, you’re looking good today, what’s the occasion…” And Turner cracks a smile, the first in a while, and almost blushes, he says, “I’m meeting Janey for lunch”. This was years after the divorce. This was so utterly believable. You imagine Jane Fonda doing that to a man. To any living person in fact. Jane Fonda was in town!  Ted Turner probably has made some ruthless decisions – even done some very bad things. But he once gifted $1 billion to the United Nations. Have you done That?  (I know I haven’t). I’m quite fascinated by Ted Turner and I don’t really know why. He’s owned a sports team, he’s owned – no doubt – several pieces of so many people. None of that inspires me as such. None of that means very much to me. He’s had five kids, three wives, so many houses… He’s gifted a lot of the money that he’s made away to charities, and you have to hope that’s not just for the tax deductions. For some strange reason I hope Ted Turner has found peace and happiness in his life. I know he’s been able to buy and sell it. But has he kept a little on the side for himself? Ted Turner is nearly 80.

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The first I knew of Ted Nugent was ‘Cat Scratch Fever’ – it seemed to be the first thing anyone knew of Nugent then. Now, the way most people know
Ted Nugent is through the awful things he says, like: “What’s a feminist anyways? A fat pig who doesn’t get it often enough? (Don’t laugh! Don’t laugh at that!) Ted Nugent loves to talk about guns and hunting and eating meat. Ted Nugent somehow transcended from bogan rocker to political commentator or – is that regressed?  He has said so many awful things. A dullard’s attempt at shock value. You are not allowed to like Ted Nugent’s music. I mean, you are – but you are obviously an awful human being if you do like his music… because much as we love to say that the man and the music can be treated separately for Nugent it is all a shtick. (It is all shit). Speaking of shit, Nugent boasts that he avoided the Vietnam War draft by not bathing for a month and shitting in his own pants. He turned up high on crystal meth and stinking of poos and wees. That is how this “Man’s Man” avoided the war. But he reckons he would have been a good solider. A good soldier would need to first be a soldier.  That wouldn’t matter as much – Ted avoiding the war – but now he’s a warmonger, and he says things like the Sandy Hook school massacre was a result of a decrease in family values,
the decaying, the rot… What rot! Ted Nugent has failed marriages behind him – more than most. He’s also, presumably, ruined other marriages. He’s had nine kids to seven women. You have to guess that he’s not a good father. But certainly, he couldn’t navigate his way towards actual family values with a map and a canteen of water, couldn’t make a mark with one of his guns. “Well, I don’t care if you’re just thirteen/You look to good to be true” That’s from ‘Jailbait’, a song that Ted Nugent wrote; a song that suggests Gene Simmons could even win The Nobel Prize. Big man that Ted Nugent is – he not only fucks underage women. He grovels to their parents to take on legal guardianship, so he can keep them, like slaves… Such fever to scratch at any cat. Such desperation from one so tough. Ted Nugent will do and say anything to appear on TV or in print or even in a poem. (I only put him here because I just know Ted Nugent would hate poems). Ted Nugent is about to turn 69. You just know he’ll get a kick out of that.


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Ted DiBiase was “The Million Dollar Man”, a pro-wrestling bad-guy (a “heel”) that fought in matches with the likes of Hulk Hogan and Randy Savage and Andre The Giant, people wealthier than DiBiase; “Multi-Million Dollar Men”. But DiBiase was one hell of a bad guy. He had the best finisher too:
The Million Dollar Dream – a cobra clutch-styled sleeper submission hold. He’d put blue-collar joes to bed with it. And then the final insult – the pay-off: He’d shove a filthy bank-note - $100 – in their gobs. Take that! And just in case you didn’t think he was a millionaire, to prove it he was accompanied to the ring by his own bodyguard, Virgil. Even though DiBiase would then get in the ring and ‘fight’. He was the best bad-guy. Well, one of. Him and The Honky Tonk Man and a bit later on, Mr. Perfect. They were masters at getting the crowd to really hate them. It almost seemed like they actually really didn’t care – or at least, decided to wear the boos and hisses like a badge of honour. DiBiase had three sons to two different women. All three of them are – or were – wrestlers. Around the time I gave up watching wrestling (the first time). The Million Dollar Man formed a tag-team called “Money Incorporated” (“Money Inc.) His partner was a guy called Irwin R. Schyster or “I.R.S” (geddit? – too good, right?) Just as DiBiase is remembered as one of the better ever bad-guys, Schyster was one of the worst. How do you ever go about transcending the name Irwin R. Shyster, and the initials – I.R.S and then stepping into the ring in a shirt and tie, carrying a briefcase with your important papers…Ted DiBiase’s theme tune – and catchphrase – told us that everybody has a price… Given his interests: essentially pretending something that’s not real is totally real – and all the while boasting about the money he was earning, of all that he was worth – it is perhaps no great shock at all that DiBiase – the best ever bad-guy became a Christian minister. But what ever happened to Virgil?  I read a thing that said he was out there flogging tickets, pretending to fight The Million Dollar man. People would turn up and just find Virgil. A virtual nobody. And no sign of The Million Dollar Man.

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