My Appetite For Consumption
A Sunday essay about preparing to turn 50, reflecting…
I am nearly 50. I have always been nearly 50. I also partly never thought I’d make it to 50. I was forced to contemplate that. A doctor told me, ten years ago or so, to pull finger. I felt no worries about turning 40, but I wasn’t in good health. Turning 50 should be fine. I have certain disciplines in place that make me feel good about myself. I have a lot to learn and so many things I maybe should be better at already. That’s also fine. That’s part of carrying on around the clock.
I could be earning more money.
I should be better with banking.
I need to work harder at things I don’t know, and don’t like, and don’t know how to do.
I have enough to live.
I have the love of my family.
I give so much love back to them.
I write, therefore I am…busy, and focused, and happy, and wisdom comes wandering and sometimes we say hello. Occasionally I have something to offer in return — like ‘the internet is not about winning, it’s about turning up’. But mostly I try to listen, I like to learn, I enjoy trying to grow, to have a full cup, to share.
There was a time when I played sports well. There was a time when I made a living through playing music. There was a time when I was on the TV. There was a first book that got published. And another. And then another. And hopefully one more. After that, I am not too worried.
There was a time when I was alone. Now I have people and dogs in my house, as well as so many others in my life.
Once I loved Guns n Roses and didn’t know who Pablo Casals was. Now I listen to Hiroshi Yoshimura, watch documentaries about Rita Dove, read Raymond Carver all over again, and still find time, now and then, for the Gunners…
So many loves can be equal.
So long as you have one for life and for living.
I have two Sundays left where I will be 49. This is one of them. I will write, and walk the dogs, and watch some movies, and read, and listen to Bob Dylan, The Flaming Lips, Public Image, and a whole lot of other things I’ve yet to decide.
Life has been so lucky for me.
I could not ever forget that.
Age is just a number. I’m getting ready to bank one more.
Good work!